When you die, they will find someone else to bug...
The show last night was at best, sombre. As we got calls from listeners with issues bothering on three major areas.
First there was Blessing, married with kids, and from a family of eight. Out of which six are graduates. And they all depend on her regardless of her being the fourth child in the family. She complained mostly of the fact that she had zero savings, as she spent all her income helping her extended family (and even borrows to make this possible!). She is scared if she complained she was having a hard time keeping up with that lifestyle, she may lose goodwill with her folks.
Then there was Seun, who finds herself being taken for granted a lot and feels disappointed because people do not help as much as she expects them to.
Eddie learned a hard lesson in life, when his family gave him a hard time and "showed their true colors" after he lost his job. Managed to get back up and better! But learned to prioritize.
Kiki is going to be 28 in a few weeks. Is the first of four girls, beautiful in every sense, and is worried something might be wrong with her. As she does not seem to be getting suitors. And fears time is running out. Feels she might have to lose her "good girl status" to attract 'prince charming'.
Tumise (If I spelled the name right), 29, has a controlling mum who still treats her like a child Partly due to the fact that she is the last born, and only girl child in the family. But feels really upset with her mum because she feels she is being restricted, deprived financially, and under pressure to get married!
My thoughts
1. Over time I have realized that people crave the comfort of knowing that someone else is responsible for their needs. The moment you present yourself as one such, they come with their tent(s) to nest snuggly there, even bringing along a glass of wine and shades. Why? Because they would rather not struggle, as you have graciously decided to provide their needs. Guess what? When you are not available to provide, they will find someone else who will!
Moradeyo (who called in from Los Angeles) provided a great insight to this, when he shared a bit of his experience and pointed out that "people will audit your life for you" and keep track of your every move. You cannot afford to lose sight of your priorities in the face of being good and generous. I am not saying it is wrong to assist those in need, more so if it is your family that is concerned here. I am saying, as echoed by my friend, Moradeyo; Do not confuse what Mark 12:31 says: "love your neighbor AS you love yourself". It did not say: "...INSTEAD of yourself" or : "... MORE than yourself".
2. Most Nigerian ladies have a common heart - ache. And that is the constant buzz of "when will you get married?". They have to inadvertently feel like their biological clock is running out. In our largely patriarchal system, women are expected to find their accomplishment in the home, WITH A MAN - MARRIED! Who says they should not have same dreams as a man would? Or build careers and a life too? I do not want to go too deep into analyzing roles and anatomical deprivations. I just think it is quite unfair in a general sense, for them (ladies) to be subjected to this kind of pressure, and jump into the hands of any man. I still believe there is a man for a every woman and vice versa. So, to folk like Kiki, I would say: "Girl, love yourself and do that which makes you happy. The right man will come along, and at the right time".
3. Lastly, your relevance is built on your ability to keep your aspirations in focus and actually doing something about it. So much so that you get so busy with achieving them, that you totally ignore the distracting nagging that comes at you from mum or anyone else who thinks they are doing you a favor, sheltering or feeding you. As is the case of Tumise. Pursue your dreams, and seek happiness doing what is right and pleasing to God. Even the crickets sleep.
Feel free to leave your comments and/ questions below.
I love you all.
Val
First there was Blessing, married with kids, and from a family of eight. Out of which six are graduates. And they all depend on her regardless of her being the fourth child in the family. She complained mostly of the fact that she had zero savings, as she spent all her income helping her extended family (and even borrows to make this possible!). She is scared if she complained she was having a hard time keeping up with that lifestyle, she may lose goodwill with her folks.
Then there was Seun, who finds herself being taken for granted a lot and feels disappointed because people do not help as much as she expects them to.
Eddie learned a hard lesson in life, when his family gave him a hard time and "showed their true colors" after he lost his job. Managed to get back up and better! But learned to prioritize.
Kiki is going to be 28 in a few weeks. Is the first of four girls, beautiful in every sense, and is worried something might be wrong with her. As she does not seem to be getting suitors. And fears time is running out. Feels she might have to lose her "good girl status" to attract 'prince charming'.
Tumise (If I spelled the name right), 29, has a controlling mum who still treats her like a child Partly due to the fact that she is the last born, and only girl child in the family. But feels really upset with her mum because she feels she is being restricted, deprived financially, and under pressure to get married!
My thoughts
1. Over time I have realized that people crave the comfort of knowing that someone else is responsible for their needs. The moment you present yourself as one such, they come with their tent(s) to nest snuggly there, even bringing along a glass of wine and shades. Why? Because they would rather not struggle, as you have graciously decided to provide their needs. Guess what? When you are not available to provide, they will find someone else who will!
Moradeyo (who called in from Los Angeles) provided a great insight to this, when he shared a bit of his experience and pointed out that "people will audit your life for you" and keep track of your every move. You cannot afford to lose sight of your priorities in the face of being good and generous. I am not saying it is wrong to assist those in need, more so if it is your family that is concerned here. I am saying, as echoed by my friend, Moradeyo; Do not confuse what Mark 12:31 says: "love your neighbor AS you love yourself". It did not say: "...INSTEAD of yourself" or : "... MORE than yourself".
2. Most Nigerian ladies have a common heart - ache. And that is the constant buzz of "when will you get married?". They have to inadvertently feel like their biological clock is running out. In our largely patriarchal system, women are expected to find their accomplishment in the home, WITH A MAN - MARRIED! Who says they should not have same dreams as a man would? Or build careers and a life too? I do not want to go too deep into analyzing roles and anatomical deprivations. I just think it is quite unfair in a general sense, for them (ladies) to be subjected to this kind of pressure, and jump into the hands of any man. I still believe there is a man for a every woman and vice versa. So, to folk like Kiki, I would say: "Girl, love yourself and do that which makes you happy. The right man will come along, and at the right time".
3. Lastly, your relevance is built on your ability to keep your aspirations in focus and actually doing something about it. So much so that you get so busy with achieving them, that you totally ignore the distracting nagging that comes at you from mum or anyone else who thinks they are doing you a favor, sheltering or feeding you. As is the case of Tumise. Pursue your dreams, and seek happiness doing what is right and pleasing to God. Even the crickets sleep.
Feel free to leave your comments and/ questions below.
I love you all.
Val
A famous philosopher said "To yourself be true". Help as much as you can but pay yourself first (ie. save) and don't feel obliged to please everybody because you can't!
ReplyDeleteWise words
DeleteAnother way of looking at it is to see yourself as privileged at that particular point in time. It could have been you needing someone to help you out! When you give, do it cheerfully without expecting anything in return. If you need to make sacrifices in a life-saving situation, why not? We give because we have. Anytime we have to give, it's just an opportunity presented to us.
ReplyDeleteFor those under pressure to marry, my advise is...please marry somebody you are happy and comfortable with and with whom you are capable of spending your life-time. Cheers!
Thank you so much for this!
ReplyDeleteI believe there's always a God factor to all the decisions we will ever make. The key word is stay positive and restrain from worrying and everything will fall in place.
ReplyDeleteYou can check me up also on: abjoshua.blogspot.com
Thanks Joshua. Will do
Delete